It’s just easier

Poem I wrote the other night, thinking about what happens when someone disconnects because they can't face their own pain, and over time, the difficulty that happens when reconnection is wanted...but is not always as easy as 'picking up where we left off'...

It’s just easier

It’s easier to be angry at you

To hold you at arms [or more] length

To distance myself

From you

To not allow myself to get close

Or any closer

For doing that would mean

I would be close enough

To feel your pain

To know what it must be like for you

The rawness of it

I’m in protection mode

Don’t want to go there

And wonder if I can ever come back

Unchanged

Yet, when I step further back

As I imagine what it is like

Coming closer

I can see and feel

That, my retreating

Hasn’t totally closed me off

I am changed anyway

And is it for the better?

Would I have not been better off

Just coming there

Right where you were

Right where you needed me

Right when you needed me the most

Yes, I would have been impacted

No doubt

But we could have worked through this together

We could have been changed for the better

Is it too late

I really don’t know

I want to say, I’m sorry

I messed up, I should have been a better….

I should have…

And now, I watch you

From far off

I stand there, in regret

Silence and pretending this will all just go away

As you have done

And I think for now

It’s just easier