Saved

I just wanted to write something

But I didn’t know what

And I didn’t know how

There it sat

Not dormant

Just bubbling away

Below the surface

How do you squash down

Suffocation or at least attempts to

Past the tears

Until your throat fills with silence

And your chest expands and then shrivels

And it reaches the pit of your stomach

Paralyses you to the soles of your feet

Where you can no longer walk where your mind goes

Or talk where your heart is at

And darkness falls over your eyes, around your shoulders

And you are lost

For words

For who

You were

I wanted to hear something

But I didn’t know what

And I didn’t know who

And I didn’t know how

And I didn’t know you

But you did

You knew what I needed to say

What I needed to hear

You knew what

You knew who

You knew how

And I came to know you

Amen

  

Letting go

Right now, Rose is walking through Wellington City to meet her friends from last years Outward Bound group. Walking on her own I might add and it's getting a bit dark. I'm praying that she will be safe and arrive at her destination- a cafe in the city, without anything to impact on her wellbeing. I sit here on the couch and think- Please God protect my daughter and let her have an amazing time with her friends...even though I want to run down and follow her all the way, I just have to trust that she will be okay, and that she is growing up and needs to have her independence. She's a sensible girl..somewhat too trusting of people, but that's not a totally bad thing in itself. I guess I just always want her to keep her wits about her and be sensible.
I'm going to text her in a minute and just say, have a great time and text me when you are safely with your friends. Rose knows to contact me if she is worried and to go to a shop if she feels someone is following her or that she is in an unsafe situation.
It's hard to let go sometimes, but to hold on too tight isn't good either.
Lord take care of Rose:)
Amen

There is only room for ONE BIG C

My Dad is going for his consultation appointment this coming Tuesday. He's just had one slow growing cancer cut out above his ear...there's still a bit in there, and an aggressive one cut out of his cheek. For these he needs radiotherapy to zap/ blast any remnants of that cancer. We don't quite know what that might involve, but Tuesday's the day and my siblings and I travel together to take Dad and Mum off to Waikato Hospital to get all the details.
The other night I was thinking...you know it wasn't so long ago that I was a kid and my Dad was taking me off to the doctors. I was a bit teary thinking about this role reversal. Thinking about how my Dad would mostly be the one taking me as my Mum was pretty much a full-time working mother when I was going to school, and it was Dad that took the days off, or took me to work with him, popping into the doctors on the way.
My Dad loved/ loves me so much. It is crazy to think about him being sick, like really sick...and even the possibility, well the inevitability of him dying. I've always been close to my Dad. Even when he has been mean to me, or he's let his temper get the better of him. The thing is with my Dad- what you see is what you get. He's not from a culture, like the Samoan culture...or maybe that is just my mothers family...where you worry about what others think, or keeping up appearances, etc. My Dad just is who he is. There is no pretence, and I think that is what made me feel safe as a kid. I always knew that my Dad would just be my Dad. Don't get me wrong...my Dad had a very bad temper. I think now he is too old for that sh$%# as he would say. And swearing...every second word. It's still something I struggle with today...trying not to swear like the way I was immersed in that language growing up. But with my Dad (and Mum too)...there was never any doubt that I was loved. I never had to wonder or guess. I always knew.
My Dad has always prided himself on not getting any of the ailments of his siblings who often had a variety of things going on in their health. Things like heart attacks, cancer, diabetes etc. Dad had none of these until now. And I think it's hit home for him that he's not immortal, and that he is coming into those latter years of life. "Cancer aye...who would have thought..." [me is probably what he's thinking]. But I'm mindful of dwelling on 'The Big C'. As I was thinking about that, I felt the holy spirit prompting me..."There is only room for ONE Big C here" and that is Christ. So, I know that through all of this, I am going to try (in my spiritual strength that He gives me) to focus on Him...The Big C, and to minimise or take any focus off that cancer. To recognise that if this situation allows us to come together as a family, to share God's plan for Dad and our family, to bring His hope, His peace and His love to my family...then I am going to rejoice in Him. I am going to put my trust in Him. I am going to give Him the honour and the glory, for it belongs to Him.
To my Heavenly Father...thanks for your healing, your love and your amazing plans for my earthly one. How blessed am I with the fathers that I have.
Bless you Lord
Bless you Dad xx

BEAUTIFUL Goals 2016

BEAUTIFUL goals....

Waking up to God everyday and just discovering what He has in store for me- then partnering with Him and watching what He does and being blessed to be part of His beautiful plans:)
Seeking His will for where He wants me to be, what He wants me to do and where He is taking me next...and appreciating the beauty of all He does in this process of creating me to become like Him, Beautiful

Feeling good about putting my own needs first so that in the end I can do what He has called me to do. Eating healthily and exercising daily. Having a beautiful feeling in my heart that I am as I should be. Looking more beautiful as I become healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually;

Enjoying my beautiful husband, our beautiful marriage and encouraging Malcolm to be healthy and well too.

Enjoying my beautiful children. Making my family beautiful meals and just having a great time with them. Enjoying planning Aimee's wedding and supporting them all through the year, as Olivia finishes Uni and Rose finishes school.

Cherishing beautiful time with my extended family and friends.

Appreciating the church family I belong to, joining a life group and seeing what beautiful things God is up to in our lives together and encouraging and supporting the beautiful elders and leaders in the house, and all those in their own ministry.

Creating a beautiful wedding, downstairs kitchen and whittling away our mortgage. Enjoying a beautiful break overseas later in the year.

Creating a beautiful garden and home ready for Aimee's wedding. This includes finishing the kitchen and painting the house- windows, etc. Decluttering to leave the beauty and serenity of space and order.

Enjoying learning outside of my work setting and thinking about the future of education. Keeping an online record of my learning and reflections and using this to further my own and others learning. Embracing the future of learning and how this can create beautiful lives;

Continually creating a beautiful learning place and relationships that bring out the beauty in ourselves and others. Creating a beautiful Year 7/8 programme, boundaries that support but don't limit others.

Well done good and faithful servant

Today I attended the final service of Father Mark Beale as his congregation and community farewelled him on his retirement. Well actually it was a farewell for both him and his wife Barbara. I'd forgotten how much of the service in an Anglican church, like the Methodist church that I grew up in, includes quite a bit of ceremony. And it wasn't just that this was a special occasion for the church, although I'm sure there was some of that...but quite a bit of time is taken up with rituals. Anyway, I kind of enjoyed the change and it was good to see so many faces from the past and from around our school/ Clendon community.
What came to me in thinking about all of the things shared about Mark's work in the community in his role as a pastor/ minister/ father, is that you've just got to do what He has called you to do and do it in faith, and in service. A good servant is one who will do what is needed, what is before them, even if they don't always want to in the physical sense...but they know they have been called and they know that He doesn't just ask of us for no good reason. I don't know if when I leave Roscommon after having been there for so long if I want to hear the accolades of the work, His work that I have been a part of...but I guess it's in glorifying Him and all that He does and can do through his faithful servants, that when we look back on this work...we see Him and His purpose, His glory...and that is what a good an faithful servant does...glorifies God. Funnily enough, the song that played quite a bit throughout the service was 'Glorify'..."Glorified, glorified...let your name be lifted up and glorified. Let the earth, tremble at your name. Let your name be lifted up and GLORIFIED".
In a lifetimes work and over a long period, I guess one can work that out...that is our selfish nature as we learn to become more servant like, Christ like...we don't start out always good or totally faithful. I know I was far from those things and often find myself having to learn to be a better person and less doubtful on His call for my life. But as I step out in faith and I trust Him with my life and to lead me, I know I am continuing to become more like him...good and faithful. God is always good and always faithful. And for that, I am truly grateful. Amen

Goals

Relationship goals

With God- read His word daily and meditate on it. Wait on Him, listen and enact what He is saying;

With myself- look after my health and wellbeing. Make this a priority. Make sure I am looked after.

With Malcolm- just enjoy and encourage who he is;

With my children/ our family- take care of their health too; learn to cook some new healthy meals; go easy and enjoy this year with Aimee's wedding coming up, and the last year for both Olivia at uni and Rose at school, plan for more family times and times of fellowship/ prayer;

With my extended family- enjoy the times we are together;

With my finances- the wedding, a new kitchen downstairs, mortgage repayments and one overseas holiday;

With my home- garden and outside ready for wedding; finish upstairs kitchen, painting of house next summer;

With my learning- complete Mindlab course, set up online record of learning and reflections;

With my work- establish Year 7/8 education, organisation for a bigger school; boundaries established and enforced.

With my church family- join a life group, keep supporting my girls in their youth work, pray and encourage others in their ministry.

Now if I was to write these as BEAUTIFUL goals....

Waking up to God everyday and just discovering what He has in store for me- then partnering with Him and watching what He does and being blessed to be part of His beautiful plans:)
Seeking His will for where He wants me to be, what He wants me to do and where He is taking me next...and appreciating the beauty of all He does in this process of creating me to become like Him, Beautiful

Feeling good about putting my own needs first so that in the end I can do what He has called me to do. Eating healthily and exercising daily. Having a beautiful feeling in my heart that I am as I should be. Looking more beautiful as I become healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually;

Enjoying my beautiful husband, our beautiful marriage and encouraging Malcolm to be healthy and well too.

Enjoying my beautiful children. Making my family beautiful meals and just having a great time with them. Enjoying planning Aimee's wedding and supporting them all through the year, as Olivia finishes Uni and Rose finishes school.

Cherishing beautiful time with my extended family and friends.

Appreciating the church family I belong to, joining a life group and seeing what beautiful things God is up to in our lives together and encouraging and supporting the beautiful elders and leaders in the house, and all those in their own ministry.

Creating a beautiful wedding, downstairs kitchen and whittling away our mortgage. Enjoying a beautiful break overseas later in the year.

Creating a beautiful garden and home ready for Aimee's wedding. This includes finishing the kitchen and painting the house- windows, etc. Decluttering to leave the beauty and serenity of space and order.

Enjoying learning outside of my work setting and thinking about the future of education. Keeping an online record of my learning and reflections and using this to further my own and others learning. Embracing the future of learning and how this can create beautiful lives;

Continually creating a beautiful learning place and relationships that bring out the beauty in ourselves and others. Creating a beautiful Year 7/8 programme, boundaries that support but don't limit others.

How to live a beautiful life

2016. I haven't formally recorded my goals for this year. They include things like Aimee's wedding, finishing my Mindlab Course, various projects for school, health and wellbeing...but I'm not really going to write about that here at this point in time. The relevance of mentioning these things is that so far this year, God's been showing me about BEAUTY. Something He showed me at the end of last year was...when we look at something of beauty, there's complexity in the creation and existence of that beauty. Beauty is when that complexity seems so easy, simple, and we think that it just is. But there is creation behind that simplicity. Complexity behind that simplicity. And that is what makes it all the more beautiful. It got me thinking about beauty and the thought of 'How to live a beautiful life' came into my mind. All this year, God's been showing me that in the complex web of activity, living, life, experiences, however you put it...beauty is within and beyond that.
I thought to myself...am I living a beautiful life. One thing I know is it sure is complex. Complicated. And sometimes I can't make any sense of it. But I know that God in His infinite wisdom and goodness...He makes things beautiful.
I know He has more to show me about this beautiful life. I'm encouraged that He has made me perfect, and He will continue to perfect me. Or in other words, He has beautifully made me, and will continue to bring out His beauty in me. As the psalmist said "He has fearfully and wonderfully made me, this I know full well".
I will continue to meditate on this word. And of course enjoy the beauty of His blessings, and those to come.
Amen