Forgiveness

God is amazing. I know, I probably say that alot, but it's true. God, you are AMAZING. I just like the way you operate God. You're so clever and how you weave everything together. Just as the scripture says, ...and all things work together for good, for those who love the Lord, for those who are called according to His purpose... In the past couple of weeks, I've been talking to God about someone who has caused me alot of grief. That person has been very vindictive and manipulative behind the scenes. As much as I wanted to just hand it all over to God, and move forward, and as much as I had prayed and talked to Him about it- there was just this growing feeling of animosity towards this person. Like a sign I had read on a Facebook page somewhere, the person I was holding a grudge against, was renting my headspace for free! Anyway, during my fasting, I spent a bit more time prayer walking in the mornings, and talking to God about things, including this person. I was saying, "God, I just don't want to feel like this towards that person. I know it's not good and it's not how you would expect me to be. God, will you just show me how to love them, like you love me". For a few months now, I've had to endure this person's company. To keep myself 'safe' and sane, I distanced myself [in my mind, if not physically]. I kept my conversations to a minimum and chose topics like how the weather was, etc just so I wouldn't have to end up getting too deep and meaningful and allowing myself to be vulnerable to any further potential attacks.
Anyway, last week I had the opportunity to talk to this person in a formal capacity, and I knew that I couldn't just default to small talk. I had to talk about the big stuff, the things that really matter. Going into that meeting, I prepared myself in prayer. I told God, "I need you to go before me Lord. Help me and have your way in that situation". Just before the meeting, I decided- I'm just going to keep it about the agenda- nothing emotional, just stick to what we are there for. Keep my emotions in check and don't allow this to cloud what might turn out to be a positive experience. Well- initially I could sense the unease we both felt, but then something happened- God showed up. His Holy Spirit was right there watching over us, smoothing out stuff. He allowed a breaking of the tension, so that we were both able to talk about what had been happening between us. He allowed me to listen better and to be reminded that most/ usually all of the time, people's issues really are their own, and they just project them onto others. In that meeting, we were both able to acknowledge that we could have done things better and that we would learn from this and look to moving forward. It ended by me praying for us both, and praying specifically for them.
This person had had a revelation of what God was showing them, and for them, it was a new season of change. This includes the potential for them to relocate to a new situation. As I was sharing this information with Malcolm last night, I was telling him how happy I was for them. "You're only happy because it means you can finally see the back of them" he said. I told him, that actually, even though there is a part of me in the natural that feels a little like this because of our history- I genuinely feel happy for THEM. As I thought about this, I was just so AMAZED at how much God loved me. God reminded me that when you truly love someone, you only ever want what is best for them [not yourself], even if it means that you don't get your own way. I don't know how many times I've talked about this with my girls growing up. The true test of if someone truly loves you, is that they will want what is best for you.
I knew in that moment of realising this, that God had answered my prayer. He had dealt with what was in my heart, that both He and I knew shouldn't be there. He had listened to what I had said, and He had healed my heart. He had reminded me, that He is patient in His love. He didn't force me to forgive this person. He allowed me the pain of carrying that unforgiveness, so that I would know, this is not His plan for my life, and that if I am to walk on with Him, I too must love and forgive others, as He has loved and forgiven me.
Thank you Lord that what comes to try and harden my heart- your love melts that away. You soften-not harden hearts. Soft hearts can take the knocks and pressure, they are strengthened by these. Hard hearts under the same pressure, are easier to break.
Lord thank you for a forgiving heart. Amen.